A Month and Half In - Stuck in a Funk

I haven't written in a few weeks. I've been going through a rough patch, and haven't been able to muster up the energy or humor or even an ounce of motivation. Even though this blog is something I love doing and has been a bright spot for me, I keep turning away and choosing to lie on the couch and space out instead. 

I find myself here every now and then - in a funk and knowing what I need to do to get myself out, yet refusing to do anything that will make me feel remotely better. No candles! No essential oils! No fires in the fireplace! No friends! No wilderness! No walks! No happiness, period! As I once said to my good friend, Gerrie, after an entire night of partying that led to us falling asleep two hours before our train left, missing our train home (shocking, I know), and stumbling through San Sebastian toward the bus station the next morning, totally hungover and grumpy - 

"I am not in the mood for happiness."

 Just saying that pulled me out of my funk and sent us both into hysteric laughter, because who purposely chooses NOT to be happy?! 

 I do, it turns out.

Not having a phone isn't what's put me into this dark place, in case you are wondering, but it hasn't made it any easier. Back then I could at least listen to some inspirational audiobook or go into my Pinterest dreamland and imagine all the wonderful things my life could become. I could have spent hours texting other depressed friends funny GIFS or emojis (don't bother sending me any emojis, by the way. I only receive boxes, and that makes me kinda sad. I used to have some serious emoji texting skillz. : ( ) 

This funk was brought on by a combination of things -  worries about my daughter and her friends at school; feeling burnt out and overworked - stretched thin in a million directions and feeling like a failure across the board. And then finally to top off, being blessed with a pregnancy after nearly a year of trying, and then abruptly losing it for the second time this year.  

Heartbroken.

It has been a rough few weeks.

Going Smartphone free has just been the icing on the cake. And for the sprinkles? I actually got so pissed off with Cricket's terrible customer service, that I told the representative that it was the worst telephone company I had ever used, and to cancel my service immediately. 

Days later, I realized I hadn't started up a new service yet, so I had unwittingly cancelled the phone number I have had for the past eight years as well. Doh! (So, if you text me and I don't text you back, now you know why.) 

And you see? My attitude is not doing me any favors. My mom told me should could feel my pain and frustration through the phone yesterday. I started wondering why my life has become such a shitshow, and then something I recently read finally registered.

 I am in a downward spiral because I keep choosing to see the rain instead of the rainbows. 

You attract the energy you put out. I truly believe that, and guess what kind of energy I have been putting out? That's right - toxic energy. Again and again and again. Then, all I see in life are the things that bring me down. Things that aren't going right - my patience waning, how tired I am, the rude person who cut me off, my dog eating deer poop once again...

I'm not sure why I sometimes choose to wallow, or let the little things get to me and break me down. I obsess about stupid stuff that I have no control over. It wakes me up in the middle of the night, and I imagine writing letters to all the people who have wronged me. What the hell? Like that is going to help me. All that does is perpetuate more anger until I am so worked up, I can hardly breath (and have you ever tried sleeping without breathing? It's not as easy as it sounds).

Do you have any idea how many self help books I have read in my lifetime?! I absolutely know what I am supposed to do in these situations. I need to turn it over to the universe; let that shit go; accept the things I cannot change; focus on the power of now; stop sweatin' the small stuff; remember I am a badass; realize I can heal my life; see the the miracles in every day life...  (I could go on loosely quoting the titles of books I have read, but I think you get the picture.) 

Why is this so hard? It's easy when things are going well, but it's so easy to see the negative, when you are struggling. How do we turn this energy around?

Based on my extensive research in the Self Development genre, I know I need to devise my action plan and STICK TO IT! I always start with great intentions, and then, BAM! someone criticizes the way I teach and all I can think about is how mean and unfair that is. And does she have any idea how hard I work every day? I can't believe she can be so condescending and smug...  

Yes, then I end up back here, all offended and wronged. 

Not this time, bitches! I am in it to win it. I am all about making lemonade this time around. Bring on the lemons! (Maybe give me a few weeks to steady myself, though, just to be on the safe side... ; ))

And now for my miracle plan:

Step 1: Finish the Book I was reading and DO THE WORK!! 

I had started reading the book, May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein about focusing on happiness and positivity and even trying to give those jerks a break by responding with love.  It required a one minute meditation in the morning and some reflection time in the evening, and a whole lot of determination and focus during the day, but it was really helping. Then I got off course because people kept pissing me off (so much left to learn, Young Grasshopper). I will go back to that and really REALLY focus on the good stuff , as hard to see as those things may be right now (like my dog cuddling up to me once we have washed her mouth out with doggie Listerine, or seeing the sunshine, or just feeling how loved I am). 

Step 2:  Turn it over to the Universe (or God, or a higher power, or whatever you call it!). 

I forget that I am not the one that gets to control everything. I am used to being the boss, and this one can be hard, but in reality, I don't get to decide what happens next. I have no control over other people or whether my body can hold onto a pregnancy. I just need to turn it over and ask for the strength to handle whatever happens like a badass. I get a choice - I can worry about every single little thing that goes wrong or might go wrong and get stuck in a scary, dark, mind labyrinth, or I can stay here, in the present moment where the sun is shinning, and just take it as it comes. (Am I really even debating this?) And when those bad things do come, I can pray for help to start seeing the good once again.

Step 3: I'm not really sure what step 3 is, and those first two steps are hardcore, so I think I will just focus on them for now! Maybe Step 3 is to take a nap, and I am all over that. 

Anyway, I know there are a lot of you who can relate to this. Choosing happiness is hard work, but  it's what so many of us want more than anything else. Why not work hard for it?

Better get to it...