Thankful Thursday - Renewed Passion

I used to be obsessed with photography.  I would drag Bella around with me and bribe her with lollipops and Dumbo to get her to stay still (Mom of the Year of Award a few times in a row!).  And once I tucked those little rascals into bed, I would start editing until I was bleary eyed, often not until  two in the morning. It was always hard to pull myself away. I was hardcore!

I quit photography in 2012 when I started up a home daycare.  I was going through a divorce and couldn't be a single mom with two small children and successfully run two businesses. That would have been insane, so I focused on the more lucrative of the two. Slowly, I stopped pulling my camera out altogether.  My computer sat unused (I had a smartphone! What did I need my computer for if I wasn't editing?!).

I kept saying I wanted to take pictures again, but I could never get myself to start. Looking back on it, I think part of it was the fear of my obsession taking over. It was, in part, an addiction as well, because I couldn't control it. I thought about it all the time. I would see beautiful light and I'd be so grumpy if I didn't have my camera.  I stalked my kids with my camera, and I started feeling that I was always partly absent from life because I was watching it through a lens. (Has my problem always been not being present? Escaping from the now? These are definitely things I have been pondering.)  I only picked my camera up for special occasions for six years! Isn't that crazy? I loved it so much, yet I put it away and ignored it for six years!

Thanks to my Smartphone Fast, I have picked my camera back up, and the two of us are simpatico again. To be honest, though, I think my true romance is with Photoshop (don't tell my camera).  I love making pretty photos even more beautiful. I have so much fun just screwing around with one picture for days to see what it can become.

Guess what happens when you don't use a skill for six years though? I don't know about the rest of you, but I apparently forget absolutely everything. When I first started learning about photography, I studied Photoshop for hours on end. I took so many online courses and joined forums and watched tutorials and read Photoshop books, but when I went to start using it again, it was all gone. All of it.  I couldn't even remember how to do basic things like open a new image, use layers, or a mask. Things that used to be second nature to me were gone. I had to start reading articles again and watching tutorials and I was so freakin' pissed that I had spent so much time learning, and now had to start all over.

Oh the agony!!!!

(Don't worry, this story doesn't end on such a depressing note. Leave those Kleenex alone. You'll probably need them this winter. Don't waste them on my story. People don't call me "Sunshine Sarah" for nothing. )

Once I started messing around, though, my fingers just took over a few times. I would push the letter 'Q' and wonder what I was doing! It was bizarre. Muscle memory is amazing.

For the past three weeks I have been playing around again and it is coming back, little by little! (Can I get a Hallelujah?!) I am not anywhere near where I used to be, but my skills have not been completely lost, and for that, I am thankful.

Balance is my biggest nemesis. I am always drawn to extremes, yet I crave balance because I know it keeps me sane. This year is about trying to figure out how to balance life. I mean, I doubt I will figure it out in a year. This has been my goal for the past 5 years, but I'm working on it. I am just happy to add the element of passion back into my life. I hope I can keep it in check, but I am so happy to have it back.

Last Sunday, I talked my youngest daughter into doing a photo shoot with me by letting her put on makeup and a fancy dress and telling her I could make her look magical. I didn't really deliver on my end of the bargain, but to be fair, she gave me exactly 11 minutes. No joke. We ran out between rain showers, caught some sunlight, she did some posing, lots with peace signs and weird arm poses that I couldn't get in the frame, and then she was done. I was impressed I got so many images I was happy with. I may even print some of these up! Crazy, huh?

I still can't remember how to get my images crisp like I used to for the web. I'm sure it will come with more practice.

I love the bokeh (those pretty circular light spots in the background)  in this one!

Pretty sure she is on her way to being my professional little model. Look how she holds that eucalyptus!

Thankful Thursday - The Wilderness

Life can be hard. That's not news to most of us. We have lived through heartache and disappointment and things not turning out the way we imagined. We've seen loved ones leave us, or watched our parents get sick, or have worried about the choices our kids will make, or regretted some of the choices we've made in own lives. There are a lot of rocks among the diamonds, and the longer I live, the more I have come to accept that there are ups and downs and a lot of in betweens in life.

More importantly, though, I've learned that our happiness isn't determined by the ratio of highs to lows.  My mom has had some real lows. She has had terrible luck with her health ever since I can remember, and yet, she has one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen. It isn't about the luck of the draw. It is about how we play the hand we've been dealt - how we deal with each extreme and all that lies between.  How we cope, how we bounce back, how we keep getting up each time we get knocked down, and whether or not we can accept a situation without trying to change it, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us, is what determines our happiness.

Up until last year, I was shit at dealing with life.  My tried and true coping mechanism was alcohol. When I was up high, celebrating something wonderful - "Hey! Let's go get a drink to celebrate!" And when I was down really low  -  "Let's go get a drink to numb this pain." Alcohol was a loyal friend to me for years. It made me the life of the party - I was friendly and funny and fearless.  It was always there to loosen things up in any stuffy social situation where I wouldn't know a lot of people. It made really long Mariners games so much more entertaining, and after a rough day, it made all of my problems go away. I knew that when I took that first sip of prosecco, I would immediately feel a big heavy weight lifted, and from there, all of the stress and frustration would slowly start dissipating until it was forgotten altogether. It had this extraordinary way of  masking all of life's problems while simultaneously making them worse, and the most miraculous thing about it was that I didn't even think it was a problem because it was so socially acceptable.

"Alcohol couldn't be the problem! Everyone I know drinks it, and who will I hang out with if I stop?"

It almost felt like I was going against societal norms when I decided to quit drinking.

How was I to know that all of those problems I thought were dissipating were still there under the surface?  I had no idea how to cope with life, and I didn't even know it.


For the past year I have been learning ways to handle life's ups and downs without alcohol. At the beginning I was completely lost. Candy was my answer. Then buying things, and then finally after feeling all wound up with no place to go for what felt like an excruciating amount of time, I started learning about things I never understood before like God, meditation, acceptance, exercise, breathing and the wilderness.

I grew up surrounded by nature. We played outside in the streams every day, we built forts, we trail-blazed, we picked berries and caught frogs.  As I got older, though, I started hanging out with my friends and going to parties and dinners and brunches, and little by little stopped playing outside.

And little by little, I forgot about all of the magic.

When I quit drinking, I had all this time on my hands. I wasn't meeting friends for brunches. I wasn't starting a Football Sunday with a mimosa, and I didn't have plans after work to go to Happy Hour with my colleagues. I had to start finding other healthy ways to fill my time, and one of those became walking on the wild side.

There is something therapeutic about being surrounded by wilderness. It holds me and releases me at the same time. I can visualize the weight I have been carrying in my chest being set free all at once. I don't know if it's the act of noticing my surroundings - the trees coated in moss, the light sneaking through the branches, the clean air, the crackle or squish under my feet. Is it the act of being in the present moment that releases the anguish and stress and worry that I have been holding onto? I don't know exactly. Maybe. I definitely need to experience more of it to figure it out, and maybe I don't even need to figure it out. I just know that afterwards, I feel refreshed and renewed. I can handle the ups and downs when I am coming from a place of peace.

It is much harder to take on any more when you have deceived yourself into thinking you handled a situation when, in reality, you were just stuffing it down deeper. Nature helps me reset to a place of peace and tranquility. I am not holding on to anything when I walk out. I am not burying my feelings. I can think about them and feel them and release them.

What started out as a way to fill my time is becoming a form of therapy. It is becoming a tool I can use to help me handle this life that will continue to throw me and hurt me and knock me down between those moments of  serenity, joy and rapture.

Thankful Thursday - Color in Winter

Winters here in the Pacific Northwest are rough. For the longest time I didn't realize why they drained me so much. Where did my energy go? The rain makes it harder to get outside, and the days are so short that you only have daylight during working hours, but that's not what causes the gloomiest of gloom. It's the endless gray that does me in. Without color it all looks the same.

I've really started celebrating the bright sunrises and sunsets, and the orange morning light that we get from time to time. What a contrast from the gray! I tell my girls that they are our miracles for the day. I also wear bright clothes. Last week I called my outfit "pink explosion". I wish I had a picture. I even went out and bought myself a rainbow umbrella last week. What can I say? It was a rough week! Color makes me feel better. I feel brighter when I'm around it. I love to light a fire and a bunch of my Glassybabies and then just enjoy the glow.

I truly believe in finding those things that bring you joy in life and then seeking them out. Do what you can to be surrounded by them. Call them miracles (it just feels more exciting!), and then focus on all their goodness. I know it's hardest when you are feeling like crap. Sometimes I forget that there are things that can help pull me out of the pit of despair, but I'm trying to remember. Lighting candles and looking for mother nature's little miracles are two easy ways.

We spend so much time bogged down by all the things that aren't going right. I say we start putting more of our energy towards all the things that are. Gratitude is an amazing tool.

Pollyanna out!

Thankful Thursday - Impromptu Photo Booths

I had never heard of an Impromptu Photo Booth until we made one up on New Years Eve. I am so so thankful that I have people who like to dork out with me. It didn't start as a photobooth, of course. At first, I just wanted to get a nice picture of us all dressed up, and I had the camera set to take 10 pictures with 10 seconds in between. You can imagine how much fun we had with this. Pretty soon we were searching for new props we could add and adjusting the time. By the third round we had worked out a system.

Photobooth Rules:

1. You can use anything in the room as a prop.

2. You have 20 seconds to grab a prop and get back in the frame.

3. You must stay on the red line within the frame.

4. Stike a pose. The dorkier, the better.

The poses that we came up with are hysterical. This was, hands down, my highlight from New Years Eve and I know every time I see these photos it will bring a smile to my face.

See? It starts out innocent enough...

Then we get a conga line.

And we bring in some hats and scarfs...

Axl Rose joins us.

And things just take off from there.

Watch how well-used this Christmas tree is.

Dogs and leashes.

This is definitely one of my faves. Hard to choose though.

Thankful Thursday

One of the major lessons I have learned in the past year is to focus on gratitude. Every time I am freaking out about something in my life, I have been guided to write a gratitude list. If I am pissed off about work, I write a gratitude list. If I start comparing my life to others. You guessed it. Gratitude.

You see, the more we focus on the things we love about our life, the more of those things we receive. Every time this happens to me, I think of it as a little miracle, because, well... who doesn't want a miracle?! I want as many as I can in my life. Then guess what starts happening? I get more of them. Miracles abound.

I have not been extremely faithful about doing a daily gratitude journal (though it is a goal of mine), but I have decided that I will add at least one thing I am grateful for here on my blog every Thursday, and I shall name it "Thankful Thursday" (yes, I came up with that name all on my own, thank you very much).

Today I am grateful for my amazing family and the time I get to spend with them. They are loving and loud, funny and active, and they give me the best cuddles in the whole wide world. I love them to the core. 

Got Gratitude? Try it. It works. I promise.