Thankful Thursday - Renewed Passion

I used to be obsessed with photography. I would drag Bella around with me and bribe her with lollipops and Dumbo to get her to stay still (Mom of the Year of Award a few times in a row!). And once I tucked those little rascals into bed, I would start editing until I was bleary eyed, often not until two in the morning. It was always hard to pull myself away. I was hardcore!

I quit photography in 2012 when I started up a home daycare. I was going through a divorce and couldn't be a single mom with two small children and successfully run two businesses. That would have been insane, so I focused on the more lucrative of the two. Slowly, I stopped pulling my camera out altogether. My computer sat unused (I had a smartphone! What did I need my computer for if I wasn't editing?!).

I kept saying I wanted to take pictures again, but I could never get myself to start. Looking back on it, I think part of it was the fear of my obsession taking over. It was, in part, an addiction as well, because I couldn't control it. I thought about it all the time. I would see beautiful light and I'd be so grumpy if I didn't have my camera. I stalked my kids with my camera, and I started feeling that I was always partly absent from life because I was watching it through a lens. (Has my problem always been not being present? Escaping from the now? These are definitely things I have been pondering.) I only picked my camera up for special occasions for six years! Isn't that crazy? I loved it so much, yet I put it away and ignored it for six years!

Thanks to my Smartphone Fast, I have picked my camera back up, and the two of us are simpatico again. To be honest, though, I think my true romance is with Photoshop (don't tell my camera). I love making pretty photos even more beautiful. I have so much fun just screwing around with one picture for days to see what it can become.

Guess what happens when you don't use a skill for six years though? I don't know about the rest of you, but I apparently forget absolutely everything. When I first started learning about photography, I studied Photoshop for hours on end. I took so many online courses and joined forums and watched tutorials and read Photoshop books, but when I went to start using it again, it was all gone. All of it. I couldn't even remember how to do basic things like open a new image, use layers, or a mask. Things that used to be second nature to me were gone. I had to start reading articles again and watching tutorials and I was so freakin' pissed that I had spent so much time learning, and now had to start all over.

Oh the agony!!!!

(Don't worry, this story doesn't end on such a depressing note. Leave those Kleenex alone. You'll probably need them this winter. Don't waste them on my story. People don't call me "Sunshine Sarah" for nothing. )

Once I started messing around, though, my fingers just took over a few times. I would push the letter 'Q' and wonder what I was doing! It was bizarre. Muscle memory is amazing.

For the past three weeks I have been playing around again and it is coming back, little by little! (Can I get a Hallelujah?!) I am not anywhere near where I used to be, but my skills have not been completely lost, and for that, I am thankful.

Balance is my biggest nemesis. I am always drawn to extremes, yet I crave balance because I know it keeps me sane. This year is about trying to figure out how to balance life. I mean, I doubt I will figure it out in a year. This has been my goal for the past 5 years, but I'm working on it. I am just happy to add the element of passion back into my life. I hope I can keep it in check, but I am so happy to have it back.

Last Sunday, I talked my youngest daughter into doing a photo shoot with me by letting her put on makeup and a fancy dress and telling her I could make her look magical. I didn't really deliver on my end of the bargain, but to be fair, she gave me exactly 11 minutes. No joke. We ran out between rain showers, caught some sunlight, she did some posing, lots with peace signs and weird arm poses that I couldn't get in the frame, and then she was done. I was impressed I got so many images I was happy with. I may even print some of these up! Crazy, huh?