Thankful Thursday - Renewed Passion

I used to be obsessed with photography.  I would drag Bella around with me and bribe her with lollipops and Dumbo to get her to stay still (Mom of the Year of Award a few times in a row!).  And once I tucked those little rascals into bed, I would start editing until I was bleary eyed, often not until  two in the morning. It was always hard to pull myself away. I was hardcore!

I quit photography in 2012 when I started up a home daycare.  I was going through a divorce and couldn't be a single mom with two small children and successfully run two businesses. That would have been insane, so I focused on the more lucrative of the two. Slowly, I stopped pulling my camera out altogether.  My computer sat unused (I had a smartphone! What did I need my computer for if I wasn't editing?!).

I kept saying I wanted to take pictures again, but I could never get myself to start. Looking back on it, I think part of it was the fear of my obsession taking over. It was, in part, an addiction as well, because I couldn't control it. I thought about it all the time. I would see beautiful light and I'd be so grumpy if I didn't have my camera.  I stalked my kids with my camera, and I started feeling that I was always partly absent from life because I was watching it through a lens. (Has my problem always been not being present? Escaping from the now? These are definitely things I have been pondering.)  I only picked my camera up for special occasions for six years! Isn't that crazy? I loved it so much, yet I put it away and ignored it for six years!

Thanks to my Smartphone Fast, I have picked my camera back up, and the two of us are simpatico again. To be honest, though, I think my true romance is with Photoshop (don't tell my camera).  I love making pretty photos even more beautiful. I have so much fun just screwing around with one picture for days to see what it can become.

Guess what happens when you don't use a skill for six years though? I don't know about the rest of you, but I apparently forget absolutely everything. When I first started learning about photography, I studied Photoshop for hours on end. I took so many online courses and joined forums and watched tutorials and read Photoshop books, but when I went to start using it again, it was all gone. All of it.  I couldn't even remember how to do basic things like open a new image, use layers, or a mask. Things that used to be second nature to me were gone. I had to start reading articles again and watching tutorials and I was so freakin' pissed that I had spent so much time learning, and now had to start all over.

Oh the agony!!!!

(Don't worry, this story doesn't end on such a depressing note. Leave those Kleenex alone. You'll probably need them this winter. Don't waste them on my story. People don't call me "Sunshine Sarah" for nothing. )

Once I started messing around, though, my fingers just took over a few times. I would push the letter 'Q' and wonder what I was doing! It was bizarre. Muscle memory is amazing.

For the past three weeks I have been playing around again and it is coming back, little by little! (Can I get a Hallelujah?!) I am not anywhere near where I used to be, but my skills have not been completely lost, and for that, I am thankful.

Balance is my biggest nemesis. I am always drawn to extremes, yet I crave balance because I know it keeps me sane. This year is about trying to figure out how to balance life. I mean, I doubt I will figure it out in a year. This has been my goal for the past 5 years, but I'm working on it. I am just happy to add the element of passion back into my life. I hope I can keep it in check, but I am so happy to have it back.

Last Sunday, I talked my youngest daughter into doing a photo shoot with me by letting her put on makeup and a fancy dress and telling her I could make her look magical. I didn't really deliver on my end of the bargain, but to be fair, she gave me exactly 11 minutes. No joke. We ran out between rain showers, caught some sunlight, she did some posing, lots with peace signs and weird arm poses that I couldn't get in the frame, and then she was done. I was impressed I got so many images I was happy with. I may even print some of these up! Crazy, huh?

I still can't remember how to get my images crisp like I used to for the web. I'm sure it will come with more practice.

I love the bokeh (those pretty circular light spots in the background)  in this one!

Pretty sure she is on her way to being my professional little model. Look how she holds that eucalyptus!

Thankful Thursday - The Wilderness

Life can be hard. That's not news to most of us. We have lived through heartache and disappointment and things not turning out the way we imagined. We've seen loved ones leave us, or watched our parents get sick, or have worried about the choices our kids will make, or regretted some of the choices we've made in own lives. There are a lot of rocks among the diamonds, and the longer I live, the more I have come to accept that there are ups and downs and a lot of in betweens in life.

More importantly, though, I've learned that our happiness isn't determined by the ratio of highs to lows.  My mom has had some real lows. She has had terrible luck with her health ever since I can remember, and yet, she has one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen. It isn't about the luck of the draw. It is about how we play the hand we've been dealt - how we deal with each extreme and all that lies between.  How we cope, how we bounce back, how we keep getting up each time we get knocked down, and whether or not we can accept a situation without trying to change it, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us, is what determines our happiness.

Up until last year, I was shit at dealing with life.  My tried and true coping mechanism was alcohol. When I was up high, celebrating something wonderful - "Hey! Let's go get a drink to celebrate!" And when I was down really low  -  "Let's go get a drink to numb this pain." Alcohol was a loyal friend to me for years. It made me the life of the party - I was friendly and funny and fearless.  It was always there to loosen things up in any stuffy social situation where I wouldn't know a lot of people. It made really long Mariners games so much more entertaining, and after a rough day, it made all of my problems go away. I knew that when I took that first sip of prosecco, I would immediately feel a big heavy weight lifted, and from there, all of the stress and frustration would slowly start dissipating until it was forgotten altogether. It had this extraordinary way of  masking all of life's problems while simultaneously making them worse, and the most miraculous thing about it was that I didn't even think it was a problem because it was so socially acceptable.

"Alcohol couldn't be the problem! Everyone I know drinks it, and who will I hang out with if I stop?"

It almost felt like I was going against societal norms when I decided to quit drinking.

How was I to know that all of those problems I thought were dissipating were still there under the surface?  I had no idea how to cope with life, and I didn't even know it.


For the past year I have been learning ways to handle life's ups and downs without alcohol. At the beginning I was completely lost. Candy was my answer. Then buying things, and then finally after feeling all wound up with no place to go for what felt like an excruciating amount of time, I started learning about things I never understood before like God, meditation, acceptance, exercise, breathing and the wilderness.

I grew up surrounded by nature. We played outside in the streams every day, we built forts, we trail-blazed, we picked berries and caught frogs.  As I got older, though, I started hanging out with my friends and going to parties and dinners and brunches, and little by little stopped playing outside.

And little by little, I forgot about all of the magic.

When I quit drinking, I had all this time on my hands. I wasn't meeting friends for brunches. I wasn't starting a Football Sunday with a mimosa, and I didn't have plans after work to go to Happy Hour with my colleagues. I had to start finding other healthy ways to fill my time, and one of those became walking on the wild side.

There is something therapeutic about being surrounded by wilderness. It holds me and releases me at the same time. I can visualize the weight I have been carrying in my chest being set free all at once. I don't know if it's the act of noticing my surroundings - the trees coated in moss, the light sneaking through the branches, the clean air, the crackle or squish under my feet. Is it the act of being in the present moment that releases the anguish and stress and worry that I have been holding onto? I don't know exactly. Maybe. I definitely need to experience more of it to figure it out, and maybe I don't even need to figure it out. I just know that afterwards, I feel refreshed and renewed. I can handle the ups and downs when I am coming from a place of peace.

It is much harder to take on any more when you have deceived yourself into thinking you handled a situation when, in reality, you were just stuffing it down deeper. Nature helps me reset to a place of peace and tranquility. I am not holding on to anything when I walk out. I am not burying my feelings. I can think about them and feel them and release them.

What started out as a way to fill my time is becoming a form of therapy. It is becoming a tool I can use to help me handle this life that will continue to throw me and hurt me and knock me down between those moments of  serenity, joy and rapture.

Week One - Withdrawal

Wow. This has been quite a week. Not only did I decide to stop using my smartphone, The Universe decided I would stop using any cell phone at all (I Broke My Doohickey). Then, after endless hours of searching for the perfect basic phone (which, I'm pretty sure only existed in the early 2000s), waiting the four days for it to arrive, then waiting 24 hours for the battery to charge (remember that?!), I find out it is incompatible with Cricket (and this is after hours of research on networks and compatibility, which is now taking up space in my brain that could be used for much more interesting facts).

(This blog is not supposed to be about "why you should never give up your smartphone", but it's sure starting to feel like that!)

So, here I am, still without a phone and after some pretty rough days, I will admit that it has become manageable. I am still here, breathing, living, existing. The world hasn't stopped spinning. Life does go on without a smartphone, but I also have to admit that a life of  extreme convenience has been lost. No more dictating while my phone magically writes a text message. No more Googling the lyrics to the Family Ties theme song while on a boat in the middle of a lake. Yes it can be done, and through the murky haze of transitioning to this point, I have even found a couple of bright patches - like being present! (Hello people right in front of me! Nice to notice you!) That has really felt great, but those moments have still been few and far between, (mostly because I have been obsessed with the loss of my smartphone).

For first few days I felt like I had just been broken up with. I couldn't stop thinking about my smartphone. Everywhere I went, everything I did, reminded me of her. From the moment I woke up in the morning, to sitting on my couch at the end of a long day, to reaching for my "book" before I went to sleep at night, it all reminded me of that special time we had shared.  Sometimes I would reach for her, and be jolted back to reality when I came up empty handed. Where were my texts? What was going on in the rest of the world? How was I suppose to confirm meetings if I couldn't check my calendar or send a text beforehand? Would that person still be planning on my visit? How was I to know?

What?

You think I'm being melodramatic or "over-romanticizing" life with a smartphone?

Moi?

Ok, maybe just a tad. My smartphone never kept me warm at night or whispered sweet nothings in my ear, but it was a close second to my husband. The truth of the matter is that it hasn't been as easy as I thought it was going to be. It has finally registered that I was basically addicted to my electronic partner in crime, and as with most addictions, you have to deal with the low lows before you can rise up and prevail!

When you try to kick any addiction or habit, you plan on it kicking your ass for the first few days, but it still always seems surprising and unexpected when it happens, nonetheless. I didn't expect to experience any withdrawal symptoms, because, you know, it's my smartphone. Everybody's doin' it. But there they were.

Some of you already know this, but smartphone addiction is a real phenomenon. Just Google "smartphone addiction" and you will get millions of results (and I'm actually not exaggerating here). The following list was taken from American Addiction Centers about typical withdrawal symptoms that occur when abstaining from alcohol.

The bulk of withdrawal symptoms will be present during the acute withdrawal phase and may include:

• Tension
• Panic attacks
• Tremors
• Difficulty concentrating
• Short-term memory loss
• Anxiety
• Irritability

• Disturbed sleep
• Headache
• Heart palpitations
• Sweating
• Nausea
• Muscle pain and stiffness
• Hypertension
• Irregular heart rate

At the time, I didn't recognize them as withdrawal symptoms. I thought I was just being super bitchy, but upon reflection, I remembered a few of them from quitting other habits or addictions.  Anxiety, tension, irritability and difficulty concentrating were my biggest offenders. It's rough stuff!

Whew! Glad I got that out of my system. I am starting to feel normal without my extra appendage.  Now comes the adjustment phase. I have stopped twitching and am not nearly as panicky when I get into my car without my smartphone. I don't know how long this next part of the journey is going to last, but the first week has been a doozie! I won't say it can't get any worse, because I just lived through last week. I'm just looking forward to more of the "being present" part of this journey.

Thankful Thursday - Color in Winter

Winters here in the Pacific Northwest are rough. For the longest time I didn't realize why they drained me so much. Where did my energy go? The rain makes it harder to get outside, and the days are so short that you only have daylight during working hours, but that's not what causes the gloomiest of gloom. It's the endless gray that does me in. Without color it all looks the same.

I've really started celebrating the bright sunrises and sunsets, and the orange morning light that we get from time to time. What a contrast from the gray! I tell my girls that they are our miracles for the day. I also wear bright clothes. Last week I called my outfit "pink explosion". I wish I had a picture. I even went out and bought myself a rainbow umbrella last week. What can I say? It was a rough week! Color makes me feel better. I feel brighter when I'm around it. I love to light a fire and a bunch of my Glassybabies and then just enjoy the glow.

I truly believe in finding those things that bring you joy in life and then seeking them out. Do what you can to be surrounded by them. Call them miracles (it just feels more exciting!), and then focus on all their goodness. I know it's hardest when you are feeling like crap. Sometimes I forget that there are things that can help pull me out of the pit of despair, but I'm trying to remember. Lighting candles and looking for mother nature's little miracles are two easy ways.

We spend so much time bogged down by all the things that aren't going right. I say we start putting more of our energy towards all the things that are. Gratitude is an amazing tool.

Pollyanna out!

Day 3: I Broke my Doohickey

My feelings, exactly.

Seriously. I broke my new phone.

I wish I were making it up.

As you may recall, I was having a difficult time loading my contacts onto my new phone. Well, I contacted Cricket's online chat and they suggested I get a SIM adapter. Cool! I'm all over that. If it's between sitting for days on end, manually transferring my contacts and paying five bucks, that's a no-brainer. Anyway, I got home yesterday and my package with the SIM adapter was already waiting for me. It looked easy enough with the limited word-less instructions:

Put little SIM card onto big adapter.
Put big adapter with little SIM card into little metal pocket.

Got it!

At least it looked like I had, but when I went to turn it on again my phone said "Insert SIM card". Not a good sign since I had just finished doing that. I checked it and thought I would take it out and put it back in again (one of my three go-to tricks when it comes to fixing anything that involves electricity). Uh oh. Card not coming out. "Never fear! I have tweezers! Fixed!"

Only now my phone just says "Insert SIM" all the time and does nothing else.

At first I found it kind of humorous. Really? One full day? That's how long this phone is going to last? I was all grumpy and going through withdrawals because my new phone doesn't connect to my car and I can't listen to my audio books, and what about voice to text, and is there really no speakerphone? (And yes, I know that I sound like a spolied first world brat. That doesn't change the fact that I was really annoyed and frustrated! Raaawr!) The Universe was basically saying, "Oh, poor baby. You can't use your smartphone. Imagine if you had no phone... Poof! Taaadaaaa!"

Touche, Universe.

It is much suckier with no phone at all.

I have spent the last three hours (plus a couple last night) trying to figure out how to return the phone and find a replacement. Andres, my first Cricket friend I made, told me that I had to try out the SIM card in a different phone, but I told him I didn't have another flip phone I could try it out in. Well, too bad, I would have to take it into a Cricket store. A what? I have never even seen a Cricket store, and definitely not on Vashon.

Then I tried again and got Felix. He was much more helpful, but told me I needed to call the warranty people.  I asked him if he knew what the warranty was and he proceeded to give me the definition of a warranty. I liked him though. Sweet guy. He told me I had been "awesome" and I appreciated that, especially since I was feeling super twitchy by this point.

Today, I called the warranty people and I talked to two very nice Cricket reps and after about an hour of being put on hold and calling back and waiting, I finally returned that $30 clamshell.  V is for VICTORY!

There's only one problem remaining...
I still don't have a phone I can use.

If I try to buy a new one from Cricket, they make me pay a $25 upgrade fee and, believe me, there is no one on the web support chat that can override that. I can, however, buy a phone that is compatible from another retailer and just use that one.

I know you may find this surprising, but there aren't many choices out there when it comes to basic phones. It's tricky business. Who knew you had to find one that is unlocked and compatible with a gsw network instead of a cdma network, and it's better to get a 3g lte or 4 g lte... Friends, these are just letters to me! Oh, and it goes without saying that I have to do my research to find one with good reviews...

Universe to me: "Um yeah, don't press your luck".

I ended up with a $22 phone that is blue and black. I don't even know what brand it is. I have no idea if it will work with Cricket, but to tell you the truth after talking to six different reps, I will just be happy when I can text again. I am going to cross my fingers and leave it up to the Universe. (And no funny business this time, Universe!)

So much for all the free time this new smartphone-free lifestyle was going to award me.

Thankful Thursday - Impromptu Photo Booths

I had never heard of an Impromptu Photo Booth until we made one up on New Years Eve. I am so so thankful that I have people who like to dork out with me. It didn't start as a photobooth, of course. At first, I just wanted to get a nice picture of us all dressed up, and I had the camera set to take 10 pictures with 10 seconds in between. You can imagine how much fun we had with this. Pretty soon we were searching for new props we could add and adjusting the time. By the third round we had worked out a system.

Photobooth Rules:

1. You can use anything in the room as a prop.

2. You have 20 seconds to grab a prop and get back in the frame.

3. You must stay on the red line within the frame.

4. Stike a pose. The dorkier, the better.

The poses that we came up with are hysterical. This was, hands down, my highlight from New Years Eve and I know every time I see these photos it will bring a smile to my face.

See? It starts out innocent enough...

Then we get a conga line.

And we bring in some hats and scarfs...

Axl Rose joins us.

And things just take off from there.

Watch how well-used this Christmas tree is.

Dogs and leashes.

This is definitely one of my faves. Hard to choose though.

Hour Two - "What Have I Gotten Myself Into?"

This is me looking longingly at my beloved iphone.

Remember how excited I was a couple days ago? I was so motivated to give up my smartphone and live a richer, more meaningful life. I was NOT going to be controlled or tied down to any device. No, Sir!!

Remember that? I was all unicorns and rainbows and puppies and everything was so damn wonderful.  I was really going to set a good example for my girls and take more pictures and la dee da dee da...  I was flying high for a couple of days, congratulating myself and patting myself on the back every time I thought about how fabulous it was going to be.  Well, friends, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the reason it seemed so fabulous was because I hadn't started it yet. 

Today I finally got my phone, and I have to tell you, this clamshell design is not nearly as sleek as I thought it was going to be.

Now I'm looking at this picture thinking, "hmmm... was that really so bad?"

REALITY CHECK!
What the hell am I doing?! It was so much easier when I was just imagining it. I have to admit that since I set up my phone, I have gone from one sinking feeling to another. First of all, I can't figure out how to sync my contacts. Most articles I find are from people switching from a flip phone to an iphone. Not the other way around! So, there's that. I don't even want to think about how long it will take to do it manually.

Then, there's the texting. It is that old fashioned texting and it is painful. It took me five minutes to text, "Are you getting this?" to myself.

From there we move on to the ringtones. Let me invite you on a ride in my time machine. We are headed for 2001. I chose the pebble dropping one and that is tolerable.

And let's finish this lovely tour with the camera.

Need I say more?

I took this and sent it to my friend, Wendy (luckily I can still do that!), and her reply was, "I guess since it's a clam shell, all of your pictures will look like they have been taken underwater".  She's a funny one.

My god. What have I gotten myself into? And I can't really turn back now. I mean, I started a blog and told everyone I know on Facebook. I at least, have to get through the first night! (I honestly just received the phone two and a half hours ago and look how much I am whining!)

Go to your happy place, Sarah. Deep Breaths. Tropical Beaches. Long Summer Breaks...

Ok.

I am sure I will feel better after a few days when the shock of it all works off, right?  I'm at that part of kicking habit where you try to talk yourself out of it, right? Have you ever done that? I remember this little trickster jerk, Fear, acting like my conscience before. I'm not falling for it this time. I  have to make it through a day at least! I just need to get through this hard time of trying to convince myself I'm making a mistake and remind myself why I'm doing this.

I will report back soon. Tomorrow is my first full day without my smartphone. Egads!

Sarah's Smartphone Fast Survival Guide

I have been gathering some things I will need to live without my smartphone. Ha ha! I just re-read that and it makes it seem so dramatic - like I'm preparing supplies to live in the back country or through a natural disaster.  This takes some planning, though, peeps! You can't just turn your phone off and continue living like you were. I mean, you at least need a replacement phone! (I'm going back in time, but not that far back in time!) Anyway, here is what I have come up with so far in case anyone else wants to join me.  (You know you want to.)

"Dumb Phone" with Cheaper Phone Plan
Here is the amazing flip phone I found.  Such a sleek design.  They actually highlight its sleek "clamshell" design on the webpage. I had no idea the shape of a clamshell was so sleek, but LG thinks so, and I'm going to brag about it all the time now. Count on me mentioning it when I show off my new phone (which I am naming "Doohickey", by the way).

You can call, text and take pictures and videos with this baby! I have a feeling it is that old fashioned texting, though, where you have to go through each letter three times before you get to the letter you want. Super. Maybe that will deter me from my phone even more. Hey! I may even call you. Remember when we used to do that?! I know. You won't pick up. I get it.

You can check out the deets here. And here are the plans you can choose from. I chose a plan that allows me to send pictures, because sending pictures is my favorite. You know what I'm really going to miss though? Those fun GIFs. I loved those silly things. I could waste so much time looking through them to find the perfect one that expressed my feelings.

Mobile Music Player
I will also need some sort of device to listen to music with. Anders suggested an old Discman. Ha ha ha!! Can you imagine me trying to run with one of those?! Did people ever run with those? You'd probably have to try to do "non-bumpy" or "smooth running" so those discs wouldn't skip. Sounds like a challenge I may be interested in...

In the meantime, I found this Sandisc Mp3 player that also works with Audible and Overdrive so I can still check out audio books from the library and use my Audible account. Phew! I have yet to set it up, but will let you know what I think once I do.

Look how cute it is! It's so teeny tiny. I can carry it around in my pocket.

Ferry Schedule
I still need one. I will have to get one of those ASAP or rely on a friend/husband who has one.

Books
Finally! Something I already have. This will not be a problem. I have a never-ending accumulating pile of books I want to read. Plus, I have Kindle books too. Done and done.

I have always been a sucker for "Self Help". Best books eva!

Laptop
I am going to have a rekindled relationship with my neglected laptop. I will have to use it for my work and shared family calendar, email, making reservations, buying stuff... Not to mention all the new photos I will be editing. Yesssa! I have to make sure I don't transfer my phone addiction to my laptop addiction though. Can't you already see that happening? This will be something I'll keep an eye on. If you notice me on Facebook a bunch, go ahead and call me out. You have my permission!

Essential Oil Reference Guide
Many of you know I am an essential oil junkie. I'm sure you can imagine how bummed I am that I won't be able to use this app. I do have the books, though, so those will have to suffice. Rough when your're out and about, though, and someone needs some respiratory support, and you can't quickly look it up. (I know it seems like it, but I'm totally not joking. This is a serious issue, people!) Is it cheating if I install it on Anders' phone? What? Really? AAARGH. Fine.

A Journal and Some Tea
Because, you know, tea seems so sophisticated, and everyone knows that journaling is a wonderful way to get in some daily therapy. I have been trying to do it more often. Another goal of mine.

I know there will be more that will come up. This is going to be interesting, but I have faith that it is a good decision. My new phone should be arriving tomorrow. Let Sarah's Smartphone Fast 2018 begin!

I don't really advocate "killing" it. I just thought it was kinda funny.